hold on tight, theres no going back

its been a long road

Well it’s been just over 10 months now, and I still dedicate every day of my life to you. I still wake up thinking of you, I let the thought of you fill my whole body. And I let every bad word you’ve said to me seep through my viens, I can still remember everything and there’s not a day go by where it doesn’t hurt; where I dont hurt. And I’m trying to forget, I’m trying to be optimistic and pretend like everything’s okay. But I’m done pretending, I’m done putting on a smile and telling everyone that I’m okay. Because I’m not. I’ve let you hurt me for too long, I’ve let you break my heart into tiny little peices. So small I’m not even sure I can fix it anymore. And what’s even more hurtful, is that I still love you so fucking much. After everything, I still love you.

this is alot harder than it was before, theres so much i wish i could say to you. theres so much going through my head, so many angry words that i want to scream in your face. but i know if i had to face you i would break down, i would crash into a million pieces infront of you. and thats what im scared of, im scared of letting you see just how much you’ve actually hurt me. il never understand why you felt the need to hurt me again, why you had to break my heart into even smaller pieces. i would do anything for you, because no matter how much you’ve hurt me, ive never loved anyone as much as i love you. your not in my future, your not in my present, your in my past.

i only know that, i am better where you are.

so im lying here, curled up in a ball, tears streaming down my face; and i hate myself for it. i never understand why you say these things to me, or why i let you hurt me so much. suzie misses you.

so here i am; all alone, missing you. and inside im trying so hard to just forget about you, just to concentrate on something else for one second.. but i cant. and i know sometimes, you treat me like crap, and you act like you dont care, and you make me so angry. and everyone thinks im crazy to still be with you, but their wrong. of course i can see everything you do to me, i simply choose to look past it. becuase i love you.

my heart goes out to you..

i know were meant for each other because even though sometimes you piss me off more than words can explain, you never fail to make me smile. and when you hold me in your arms, i know its for real. and when you look deep into my eyes and tell me im beautiful, i know you truly believe it. and when you tell me you love me, i know you actually mean it. so thats why deep down i know this isnt just some silly romance, i know i do actually love you, forever. 

all i want to do is stand up and scream, fuck you. 

i feel so betrayed, what a waste of my heart, and me.